Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The Answer

Well, all the bravery and strength; all the excessive, almost compulsive, optimism; all the planning, the doing and the effort; all the shots, the many vials of blood and the ever wonderful vaginal ultrasounds; all that-and I still have nothing to show for. Not pregnant. Still stuck in purgatory.

I am angry. I am very angry. But, somehow, sadness alludes me. I haven't shed one tear since yesterday's dreaded call from the doctor's office at 3 p.m.

You, as a human being, have the ability to shock the hell out of yourself at any given moment. As you live and get older, you begin to believe that you've been around long enough to know yourself well. You anticipate how you'll feel after some life altering experience, tragedy or surprise. And you think you know what you'll be like and what you'll need when shit happens. And then shit happens, as it always does. Something big and seismic befall you. And you're caught off guard by your completely unforeseeable and jarring reaction. You ask yourself: "what the hell?" But, no answer is evident.

Your surprising reaction, this weird feeling you never expected to feel, acts as a key to a door you have never noticed before. Suddenly, the door is unlocked and you are in this whole new place you never knew existed. Nothing looks familiar and it feels so far flung and distant from every other place you have been so far. You are disoriented and apprehensive and facing a whole new set of unknowns, monsters and and mysteries.

I want to yell. I want to destroy. I want to kill something, not sure what, but I feel murderous anyway. But, my instinct to survive has kicked in and I am trying to adjust my senses to this new and unfamiliar place I find myself in. It's so far from the rest of the world- the fertile world- and its inhabitants. It's the farthest I have ever been from that "other world". It's so far off, as a matter of fact, that I can barely see any of it behind me. And I have no clue how to navigate back to it or away from it. I'm just lost.

It's a maze. And I have finally turned a corner that might be the point of no return. The peculiar part of it is that I am too numb, stupefied and anesthetized to mind or miss the world I have left behind. I can barely remember how it felt to live there, never mind miss it. All I feel is anger. That's the extent of my feelings and the reason for being in this new place I find myself in.

So, I begin to think and think and think some more. There seems to be nothing else to do here in this new place. And then I see something. I get a glimmer, a thought and a theory. An epiphany? Maybe.

What is left for me to do is to focus further inward. To continue my personal journey through this grimy, dark, uncertain thing- that's my mission. And I realize that I'm going to allow the isolation to happen. I'm going to left go. Why keep fighting it? Why keep hanging on to a world that doesn't need me to keep humming long and multiply? This is my path. This is where I belong. This is who I am. I'm going to accept and live my part. It may be lonely, sad and scary, but it is the life I've been dealt. I am meant to be here and do this on my own, just like every other thing I've lived through, endured and achieved.

Every big accomplishment, tragedy, success and loss has been a practice in solitude. I've stared at very problem, goal, gain and setback alone and without a safety net or substantial support. Dealing w/ a revolution, a war and the loss of a homeland; adjusting to new lands, new languages and new lives; surviving neglect and emotional abuse; adjusting and becoming a new person several times over; finding my way in a new country; figuring out what to do with my life, who to become; surviving my father's death and my mother's abandonment; getting past my professional losses; even planning my wedding and muddling through life after my miscarriages have been done virtually alone.

The answer I seek is suddenly clear. It's not to keep looking back at the "other world" for understanding, support and empathy. It is not to blame myself for being here alone and without. The answer is to go inward. The answer is to stop looking out at others for help and understanding. The answer is to focus and lean on the one person who is completely present, committed and dedicated- mind, body and soul- to this journey: me. I am the answer. I am my only answer. I am my only solution. This is what I must do and I have to do it alone. Not because I have no other choice or option, but because this is how it has to be.

So, I'm in a new place armed with a brand new realization. Right now, everything is still too raw. But, I know that eventually I'll get up and I'll keep going. And when that happens, I know that I"ll have me to lean on.

For now, knowing that I am my own answer is enough.