Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Happy Turkey Day
Thanksgiving is tomorrow. It's a special day for us, Thanksgiving. In 2004, Scotty proposed to me at our annual family get together. That makes tomorrow a sweet anniversary and the marker for all (hopefully) happy and great things to come. I wish everyone out there a happy, love-filled holiday. Be safe, eat a lot, and be happy, wherever you are.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Life Goes On...
So, life keeps going. Despite all the pain, the loss and the sadness, life keeps going. We get up, we shower, we eat and we keep living. Sometimes, that fact actually provides me with some comfort. And yet, there are other times when the fact that life keeps going on in midst of all the devastation we experience seems like a stupid and cruel joke.
Anyway, here are some photos of the happy moments of this year so far. People always comment on how happy I look in every photo; how I smile with my whole face; how, to look at me, you couldn't tell that I was carrying so much weight with me at all times. So, maybe I should remind myself of the happy times more often. Not to forget the sad ones, but to feel comforted by remembering that although my life's on hold, I am still capable of feeling and looking happy at times.
Here's to a day when real happiness decides to dwell within me. Here's to the day when my smile is not hiding my soul's wounds.
With that, enjoy,
A&S
Anyway, here are some photos of the happy moments of this year so far. People always comment on how happy I look in every photo; how I smile with my whole face; how, to look at me, you couldn't tell that I was carrying so much weight with me at all times. So, maybe I should remind myself of the happy times more often. Not to forget the sad ones, but to feel comforted by remembering that although my life's on hold, I am still capable of feeling and looking happy at times.
Here's to a day when real happiness decides to dwell within me. Here's to the day when my smile is not hiding my soul's wounds.
With that, enjoy,
A&S
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
The Answer
Well, all the bravery and strength; all the excessive, almost compulsive, optimism; all the planning, the doing and the effort; all the shots, the many vials of blood and the ever wonderful vaginal ultrasounds; all that-and I still have nothing to show for. Not pregnant. Still stuck in purgatory.
I am angry. I am very angry. But, somehow, sadness alludes me. I haven't shed one tear since yesterday's dreaded call from the doctor's office at 3 p.m.
You, as a human being, have the ability to shock the hell out of yourself at any given moment. As you live and get older, you begin to believe that you've been around long enough to know yourself well. You anticipate how you'll feel after some life altering experience, tragedy or surprise. And you think you know what you'll be like and what you'll need when shit happens. And then shit happens, as it always does. Something big and seismic befall you. And you're caught off guard by your completely unforeseeable and jarring reaction. You ask yourself: "what the hell?" But, no answer is evident.
Your surprising reaction, this weird feeling you never expected to feel, acts as a key to a door you have never noticed before. Suddenly, the door is unlocked and you are in this whole new place you never knew existed. Nothing looks familiar and it feels so far flung and distant from every other place you have been so far. You are disoriented and apprehensive and facing a whole new set of unknowns, monsters and and mysteries.
I want to yell. I want to destroy. I want to kill something, not sure what, but I feel murderous anyway. But, my instinct to survive has kicked in and I am trying to adjust my senses to this new and unfamiliar place I find myself in. It's so far from the rest of the world- the fertile world- and its inhabitants. It's the farthest I have ever been from that "other world". It's so far off, as a matter of fact, that I can barely see any of it behind me. And I have no clue how to navigate back to it or away from it. I'm just lost.
It's a maze. And I have finally turned a corner that might be the point of no return. The peculiar part of it is that I am too numb, stupefied and anesthetized to mind or miss the world I have left behind. I can barely remember how it felt to live there, never mind miss it. All I feel is anger. That's the extent of my feelings and the reason for being in this new place I find myself in.
So, I begin to think and think and think some more. There seems to be nothing else to do here in this new place. And then I see something. I get a glimmer, a thought and a theory. An epiphany? Maybe.
What is left for me to do is to focus further inward. To continue my personal journey through this grimy, dark, uncertain thing- that's my mission. And I realize that I'm going to allow the isolation to happen. I'm going to left go. Why keep fighting it? Why keep hanging on to a world that doesn't need me to keep humming long and multiply? This is my path. This is where I belong. This is who I am. I'm going to accept and live my part. It may be lonely, sad and scary, but it is the life I've been dealt. I am meant to be here and do this on my own, just like every other thing I've lived through, endured and achieved.
Every big accomplishment, tragedy, success and loss has been a practice in solitude. I've stared at very problem, goal, gain and setback alone and without a safety net or substantial support. Dealing w/ a revolution, a war and the loss of a homeland; adjusting to new lands, new languages and new lives; surviving neglect and emotional abuse; adjusting and becoming a new person several times over; finding my way in a new country; figuring out what to do with my life, who to become; surviving my father's death and my mother's abandonment; getting past my professional losses; even planning my wedding and muddling through life after my miscarriages have been done virtually alone.
The answer I seek is suddenly clear. It's not to keep looking back at the "other world" for understanding, support and empathy. It is not to blame myself for being here alone and without. The answer is to go inward. The answer is to stop looking out at others for help and understanding. The answer is to focus and lean on the one person who is completely present, committed and dedicated- mind, body and soul- to this journey: me. I am the answer. I am my only answer. I am my only solution. This is what I must do and I have to do it alone. Not because I have no other choice or option, but because this is how it has to be.
So, I'm in a new place armed with a brand new realization. Right now, everything is still too raw. But, I know that eventually I'll get up and I'll keep going. And when that happens, I know that I"ll have me to lean on.
For now, knowing that I am my own answer is enough.
I am angry. I am very angry. But, somehow, sadness alludes me. I haven't shed one tear since yesterday's dreaded call from the doctor's office at 3 p.m.
You, as a human being, have the ability to shock the hell out of yourself at any given moment. As you live and get older, you begin to believe that you've been around long enough to know yourself well. You anticipate how you'll feel after some life altering experience, tragedy or surprise. And you think you know what you'll be like and what you'll need when shit happens. And then shit happens, as it always does. Something big and seismic befall you. And you're caught off guard by your completely unforeseeable and jarring reaction. You ask yourself: "what the hell?" But, no answer is evident.
Your surprising reaction, this weird feeling you never expected to feel, acts as a key to a door you have never noticed before. Suddenly, the door is unlocked and you are in this whole new place you never knew existed. Nothing looks familiar and it feels so far flung and distant from every other place you have been so far. You are disoriented and apprehensive and facing a whole new set of unknowns, monsters and and mysteries.
I want to yell. I want to destroy. I want to kill something, not sure what, but I feel murderous anyway. But, my instinct to survive has kicked in and I am trying to adjust my senses to this new and unfamiliar place I find myself in. It's so far from the rest of the world- the fertile world- and its inhabitants. It's the farthest I have ever been from that "other world". It's so far off, as a matter of fact, that I can barely see any of it behind me. And I have no clue how to navigate back to it or away from it. I'm just lost.
It's a maze. And I have finally turned a corner that might be the point of no return. The peculiar part of it is that I am too numb, stupefied and anesthetized to mind or miss the world I have left behind. I can barely remember how it felt to live there, never mind miss it. All I feel is anger. That's the extent of my feelings and the reason for being in this new place I find myself in.
So, I begin to think and think and think some more. There seems to be nothing else to do here in this new place. And then I see something. I get a glimmer, a thought and a theory. An epiphany? Maybe.
What is left for me to do is to focus further inward. To continue my personal journey through this grimy, dark, uncertain thing- that's my mission. And I realize that I'm going to allow the isolation to happen. I'm going to left go. Why keep fighting it? Why keep hanging on to a world that doesn't need me to keep humming long and multiply? This is my path. This is where I belong. This is who I am. I'm going to accept and live my part. It may be lonely, sad and scary, but it is the life I've been dealt. I am meant to be here and do this on my own, just like every other thing I've lived through, endured and achieved.
Every big accomplishment, tragedy, success and loss has been a practice in solitude. I've stared at very problem, goal, gain and setback alone and without a safety net or substantial support. Dealing w/ a revolution, a war and the loss of a homeland; adjusting to new lands, new languages and new lives; surviving neglect and emotional abuse; adjusting and becoming a new person several times over; finding my way in a new country; figuring out what to do with my life, who to become; surviving my father's death and my mother's abandonment; getting past my professional losses; even planning my wedding and muddling through life after my miscarriages have been done virtually alone.
The answer I seek is suddenly clear. It's not to keep looking back at the "other world" for understanding, support and empathy. It is not to blame myself for being here alone and without. The answer is to go inward. The answer is to stop looking out at others for help and understanding. The answer is to focus and lean on the one person who is completely present, committed and dedicated- mind, body and soul- to this journey: me. I am the answer. I am my only answer. I am my only solution. This is what I must do and I have to do it alone. Not because I have no other choice or option, but because this is how it has to be.
So, I'm in a new place armed with a brand new realization. Right now, everything is still too raw. But, I know that eventually I'll get up and I'll keep going. And when that happens, I know that I"ll have me to lean on.
For now, knowing that I am my own answer is enough.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
We're Still Here...
Wow!! There were times when I wondered if I'd ever visit this blog again, never mind write anything on it.
I got tired of mindlessly writing cheerful and happy things about cheerful and happy events. I got exhausted from constantly sounding happy and content on this blog. But, what choice did I have? This blog is our "family" blog. This page was created to share our joys and milestones with our friends and family. This is where I was going to post my pregnancy announcement, the ultrasounds, and our birth announcements. This was going to be where I was going to post the first photos of our child. How could I dishonor it by writing something less that happy or cheerful here? How could I dirty it by posting anything less that up, happy and exciting notes and beautiful photos?
Well, I finally realized something very important. Happy does not just happen; it emerges out of hardships and tough times. Joy does not come in a vacuum. And for us, family doesn't just happen, as it so often does for others. And if I want to have this place to write about the bliss in our lives, I'll have to have it to also write about the heartaches in our lives. So, here I am.
I am not here to write about our last great party, or the last wonderful trip to cool destinations, or all the other wonderful things that do happen in our lives on regular basis. I am not, because life's not just a series of happy and wonderful moments. Life has a lot of downs, a lot of losses, a lot of heartbreaks and a lot of disappointments. And I would be disingenuous if I simply went on posting pictures of smiling happy faces and nothing but.
Truthfully, this live is full of beautiful and one of a kind moments. I see amazing things each and every day. I see gorgeous sun rises, heart melting smiles on Scott's face, and all sorts of other awesome things. And I feel very lucky for my life with Scott. We're indeed very fortunate. And together, we have some amazingly unforgettable experiences. I would not give up a single one for anything in the world. But, our life together has also seen a great deal of loss, sadness and disappointment. And our journey has not been as smooth as either of us had expected or wished for. And yet, we are on this sad, awesome, difficult, beautiful, heart breaking, amazing, and awe inspiring journey together and that itself is bliss.
So, this is just to let you out there know that we're still here and that we remain committed, in love and in awe of each other. This is to let you know that we do have an amazing life filled with happy and cheerful moments. It's also to let you know that not everything is sugar and spice 24/7/365. But, what counts is that we're still here...
I got tired of mindlessly writing cheerful and happy things about cheerful and happy events. I got exhausted from constantly sounding happy and content on this blog. But, what choice did I have? This blog is our "family" blog. This page was created to share our joys and milestones with our friends and family. This is where I was going to post my pregnancy announcement, the ultrasounds, and our birth announcements. This was going to be where I was going to post the first photos of our child. How could I dishonor it by writing something less that happy or cheerful here? How could I dirty it by posting anything less that up, happy and exciting notes and beautiful photos?
Well, I finally realized something very important. Happy does not just happen; it emerges out of hardships and tough times. Joy does not come in a vacuum. And for us, family doesn't just happen, as it so often does for others. And if I want to have this place to write about the bliss in our lives, I'll have to have it to also write about the heartaches in our lives. So, here I am.
I am not here to write about our last great party, or the last wonderful trip to cool destinations, or all the other wonderful things that do happen in our lives on regular basis. I am not, because life's not just a series of happy and wonderful moments. Life has a lot of downs, a lot of losses, a lot of heartbreaks and a lot of disappointments. And I would be disingenuous if I simply went on posting pictures of smiling happy faces and nothing but.
Truthfully, this live is full of beautiful and one of a kind moments. I see amazing things each and every day. I see gorgeous sun rises, heart melting smiles on Scott's face, and all sorts of other awesome things. And I feel very lucky for my life with Scott. We're indeed very fortunate. And together, we have some amazingly unforgettable experiences. I would not give up a single one for anything in the world. But, our life together has also seen a great deal of loss, sadness and disappointment. And our journey has not been as smooth as either of us had expected or wished for. And yet, we are on this sad, awesome, difficult, beautiful, heart breaking, amazing, and awe inspiring journey together and that itself is bliss.
So, this is just to let you out there know that we're still here and that we remain committed, in love and in awe of each other. This is to let you know that we do have an amazing life filled with happy and cheerful moments. It's also to let you know that not everything is sugar and spice 24/7/365. But, what counts is that we're still here...
Monday, September 21, 2009
I Have No Excuse!!!
Here's my cute husband posing with the Eiffle Tower.
The sights of Paris.
Every corner of Notre Dame is memorable.
A true gothic cathedral, Notre Dame makes you feel like a little ant once inside.
Moi at Notre Dame
Yumminess at Pierre Herme', a.k.a the Picasso of Pastry.
Our first photo together in Paris.
St Peter inside of St. Sulpice.
The fountain outside of St. Sulpice Church. This church is featured in the Da Vinci Code, which I am crazy about.
Long time, I know. Summer's officially over and we're in thick of things. It was a fantastic summer. We traveled to my favorite city in the world, the beautiful Paris. I'll let the photos do the talkin'.
Here's to more frequent posts this fall.
S.A.S
Thursday, June 04, 2009
April 29, Our Third Year Anniversary
We celebrated our third wedding anniversary on April 29, 2009. It was a great surprise because we weren't supposed to be able to do that. Scott was away on a business trip and wasn't supposed to return until the following weekend. But, the gods and goddesses were watching over us and he was able to get back.
We went to Monsieur Marcel for a fabulous and very lively French dinner and capped the evening at our favorite bakery, Susina. It was a lovely understated evening. It was enchanting.
Monday, April 13, 2009
And the Party Continued... All the Way to Ventura
Greetings from Ventura, CA
The Left Coast Sachs Family on their Easter Sunday bike ride!
At Weaver's Wine Bar after a few delicious glasses of wine.
This is at one of my favorite restaurants in Ventura, Cafe Fiore. It's where I had my Bridesmaids Luncheon a couple of fays before the wedding.
We loved the view out of our balcony!
Stella immediately made herself at home on the BIG king size bed.
Here's me enjoying the view from our hotel room balcony. Isn't it just beautiful?
So, my birthday was such a milestone that we extended the celebratin' to the weekend. We loaded up the car and pack up the dog and drove up to Ventura, the town just north of Los Angeles County and south of Santa Barbara, where we got married nearly three years ago this month.
It was our first visit since the wedding. The weekend was just perfect and the weather gorgeous. It brought back all sorts of fun and happy memories of our wedding and the days leading up to it. Stella had a great time, too. She took a ride with on a side-by-side bike for about an hour, and shocked us both by sitting quietly and enjoying the ride!!! It was very fun and she was super cute!
Here are some photos of our overnight trip.
Enjoy,
A
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Happy Milestone Birthday to Moi
Last Saturday, I met up with a long lost friend from Dallas who was in town for the weekend. We had not seen each other since 1993! Happy birthday, S!
On the eve of my birthday, Pantea took me and Scott out for dinner to Little Door, a wonderful place I have always wanted to go.
Moi with two faves: pink champagne and flowers
Birthday girl and her cute guy.
It was such a lovely dinner. Thanks Pantea!
BD lunch with Venu at the marina.
Mr. & Mrs. on the town.
Scott surprised me with dinner at the posh new SLS Hotels' Bazaar. I have been buggin' to go there since it opened a couple of months ago.
Our sangria was delicious and beautiful to look at.
Despite what it looks like, my birthday cake was NOT on fire!
Upon my instructions, Scott had asked the restaurant to place -- candles (the number representing my years on earth) on the cake. Apparently the waitress was afraid I would freak out seeing so many candles!!
Yesterday was my --th birthday. I had been dreading its arrival for, well forever, I suppose! But, although I may the number, I LOVE birthdays. All birthdays should be celebrated and cherished. So, to the end, I have been celebrating the dreaded milestone birthday for a whole week now. Hey, at my age, I gotta get all the attention I can get. It ain't gonna last much longer!!:)
Here are some photos of the festivities thus far. Enjoy.
A
Thursday, April 02, 2009
LONG TIME!!!
Strolling to Mozart in Central Park- is there anything better in life
Lunch at Blue Fin before leaving the W for the London NYC
Having after dinner drinks in our room at the W Hotel overlooking Times Square
A wonderful visit with Stacy
A family photo at Peter Luger's in Brooklyn
Mr. & Mrs. at Central Park
Muppets kissing? Shocking, I tell you just shocking
With Pantea at Central Park
Keepin' warm in Times Square
Awwww...
In NYC- we ate at L'Ecole at the French Culinary Institute, a New York favorite
At the end of a beautiful day, a fun evening and a wonderful wedding
Now, is he handsome or is he handsome
The back drop was so beautiful, we had to play supermodel
At a wedding in Palos Verdes
Spending a quiet Sunday watching TV and chilling
Celebrating my good friend, Allisson's graduation from law school
Valentine's Day 2009- sincerely the most mystifying dinning expreience of my life thus far
At Pitfire Pizza catching a bite to eat before catching a show and Ahmonson Theater with the visiting in-laws
Gosh, I am not doing a good job keeping up with our family blog, am I? Well, better late than never, I guess.
2009 has been an eventful year so far. In February, we embarked on a new road of growth change and hope. It has been a bumpy road up to now, but we are determined to keep going until we reach of destination. I pray to be able to share fruits of this adventure with all very soon.
March was beautiful, with the arrival of spring, as well as festive, since it's the month we Persians celebrate rebirth, starting anew and our new year. Norooz was warm and happy. It's my favorite holiday. It conjures happy memories of my childhood in my country before life turned upside down. Only a few days after the start of the new year, we packed our bags and headed to the Big Apple. My friend, Pantea came along on the trip. We only got back Monday morning. The trip was absolutely wonder-filled. I love exploring New York, and there's still so much more to explore.
I want to share all the wonderful things we did and the beautiful places we visited. But that shall have to left for another day. For now, I want to leave you with some photos of the last few months.
May this year be prosperous, happy and filled with impossibles becoming possible.
Atisa
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
